


romantic advice from the spider queen

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 05:51:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/618806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>no matter how politely kanaya asks her, vriska serket flatly refuses to just fuck off and die</p><p>set on the troll meteor after they finish the game but before all the shit goes down</p>
            </blockquote>





	romantic advice from the spider queen

V: Hey fussyfangs! What's going on?

V: Don't think I didn't notice you close that window all in a hurry. What's happening? Are you spying on that human girl again? Perhaps when she's in........ her 8edroom? Her 8oudoir?

V: Even........ her 8athtu8?

V: If I had eight eye8rows as well as eight eyes I would be waggling them all simultaneously right now.

V: Hey, do you think I could get Equius to 8uild me a mechanized tur8o eye8row for maximum wagglage? Really put the 8 in implic8ion.

K: Oh

K: It's You

K: What Do You Want

V: Nothing! Just to 8ug you.

V: How's it going? It seems like I haven't spoken to you in a while, what with 8eing trapped all alone on a meteor in empty space with a8solutely nothing else to do 8ut hang out with your friends while awaiting death.

V: What are you doing? Tell me what it is so I can 8ug you a8out it.

K: Well When You Put It That Way

K: Pass

V: Come oooooooon.

V: You must 8e just as 8ored as me hanging out on this stupid ugly 8oring grey rock full of stupid ugly 8oring grey people. Hey, why don't we go jump in the horn pile?

V: We could ga8 a8out our feeeeeeeelings! You could tell me all a8out what it's like to have a crush on a hideous alien, and I'll tell you all a8out my 8rilliant plans for getting us off the meteor and solving all of our pro8lems. And we could talk some more a8out how I'm the 8est at everything!

V: It'll 8e just like old times!

K: That Does Sound Exactly Like Old Times Except For The Part Where I Get To Talk At All

K: Again Im Going To Have To Decline

V: Awwwwwwww.

V: Come oooooooon.

K: Nope

K: Go Away Now Please

V: What's up with you, fussyfangs? It seems like you never want to talk to anyone any more.

K: I Can See How You Specifically Might Receive That Impression Yes

V: The meteor lifestyle isn't getting you down, is it? You know you can always talk to me a8out any of your pro8lems.

V: So I can fix them for you!

V: Seriously. There's pro8a8ly some really o8vious solution that you're just overlooking 8ecause you always do that. I 8et I could point it out in, like, a second.

K: Hmm Yes

K: Romantic Advice From The Spider Queen

K: Maybe I Should Throw The Rose Human Off A Cliff And Then Force Her To Kiss Me While Shes Too Disabled To Run Away Screaming

K: Do You Think That Would Work

V: Man, I can't 8elieve you're seriously still hung up on that. It was like eight million years ago! And Tavros has nifty new legs now! 8etter than the old ones, even.

V: Let 8ygones 8e 8ygones! Everyone else has tooooooootally forgiven me for all that stupid nonsense.

K: Okay I Have Often Wondered This

K: How Can You Be This Oblivious And Still Be Alive

K: Shouldnt You Have Accidentally Blundered Into An Abyss While Contemplating How Great You Were

K: Or Leapt To Your Death In The Total Certainty That You Were Going To Outwit Gravity Halfway Down

V: Slow down, girl. You've lost me!

V: All of a sudden I have a8solutely no idea what you're talking a8out.

K: Yes

K: Exactly

K: Listen

K: Do You Honestly Believe That People Are Prepared To Overlook Your Past So Easily

K: Is That A Thing You Actually Think Is True

V: Uh. Yeah!!!!!!!!

V: I said I was sorry!

K: But Are You Actually

V: Yeah.

K: Actually Actually

V: I said it, didn't I?

K: You Lie All The Time Though

V: No I don't.

K: Yes You Do

V: Nuh uh!

K: Youre Lying Right Now

K: On Average I Would Estimate That At Least Half The Things You Say Are Outright Lies

K: The Rest Are Merely Distortions Or Exaggerations

V: That's total bullshit!

V: This is a really crummy thing to say to a friend, Maryam.

K: Really

K: Vriska I Want You To Look Me In The Eyes

K: Or At Least The Eye

K: And Tell Me You Honestly Regret What You Did To Tavros

K: And Aradia

K: And Terezi

K: Maybe If I Believe Youre Even The Slightest Bit Repentant About Maiming Or Killing A Full Quarter Of Our Number Ill Be Able To Pass The Time Of Day With You Without Having To Excuse Myself To Vomit

K: Though Im Not Making Any Promises

V: Fuck you!!!!!!!!

K: As I Though

K: Completely Incapable Of Ever Saying Sorry

K: That Is Vriska Serket In A Fruit Carapace

V: Okay. Fine! I guess it's on me to 8e the 8igger troll, as usual.

V: I'm sorry for all the terrible things I did to all my friends. No matter how much the 8itches deserved it!

V: This is a 100% authentic Serket-certified apology guaranteed to wring forgiveness from even the fussiest of fangs.

V: Are you happy now????????

K: Vriska You Know You Have To Actually Mean It Right

K: Please Tell Me You Dont Think An Apology Is Some Kind Of Magic Incantation Which Automatically Grants You Absolution

V: I'm not an idiot, Kanaya. I understand what an apology is!

K: Okay

K: Then You Understand That Wasnt A Real One

V: What?

V: Why not?

K: Sigh

V: I said the words “I'm sorry.” What the hell else do you want? A little apology dance?

K: Perhaps Even The Remotest Hint That You Actually Meant At All What You Were Saying And The Words Werent Just Completely Empty

K: That Might Be Nice

V: I was serious! I was SO serious.

V: I am literally choking to death with regret right now.

V: Like, holy shit, the guilt, you know? It's overwhelming. I would 8e weeping in remorse were it not for this damn awesome ro8ot eye.

K: Obviously You Could Be Weeping From Your Other Eye

V: Nope!!!!!!!!

V: Anyway will you cut the games and just forgive me already? You know you're going to.

K: This May Be Hard For You To Understand

K: But Actually I Was Planning To Never Ever Do That

V: Pfft. Yeah, like you're just going to cut me out of your life forever?

K: Youve Put Your Finger On It

K: Now If Youll Excuse Me I Have A Freakish Yet Strangely Alluring Girl Alien To Observe From Afar

K: This Is An Operation Best Performed In Solitude

V: Cool! I'll help.

K: No

K: Youve Misunderstood

V: What's she doing now?

V: Man, this is 8oring, she's still got all her clothes on. Also she's like three sweeps old.

V: Let's move ahead a little.

K: What Are You Doing

K: No

K: Stop It

V: Oh man. That's more like it!

K: Aaaah

K: No

K: No Stop It At Once

V: How do I get it to zoom in?

K: This Is A Gross Violation Of Privacy

V: Fuck yeah it is!

K: Stop

K: Pressing

K: The Buttons

V: Give it 8ack!

K: No

K: You Cant Be Trusted

K: With My Keyboard Or With Absolutely Anything Else In The Whole World

K: Everything You Touch Immediately Turns To Shit

K: Do You Think You Could

K: Please

K: Just Kindly Fuck Off And Leave Me Alone

V: Go fuck yourself!!!!!!!!

V: This is always how it works! I do something no8ody else has the glo8es for and all you do is resent me for it!

V: So I killed a few people! So what? Why does everyone have to get so hung up a8out it?

V: Anyway they 8asically made me. They were asking for it! If they didn't want to get killed maybe they shouldn't have 8een so fucking killa8le!

K: If Thats The Way You Want To See It

K: I Just

K: Im So Sick Of Arguing With You About This

K: If Youre Not Going To Get It Can You At Least Do Me The Favour Of Not Getting It Somewhere Else

K: The Sound Of You Failing To Get It Is Making My Head Hurt

V: What's to get?

V: Man I don't even know. I don't really care a8out all that stuff that happened.

V: It seems like so long ago. 8efore the game, 8efore the demon, 8efore the meteor........ it feels like we weren't even the same people then.

V: I just want to forget all a8out it so we can go 8ack to 8eing friends.

K: Im Afraid We Cant All Have Such Short Memories As You

K: Personally I Am Capable Of Passing Judgement On Actions That Transpired Entire Months Ago

K: Sweeps Even

V: Come on!!!!!!!!

V: This is 8ullshit.

V: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll earn your fucking forgiveness.

V: Give me a quest! Do you have any sacred artifacts you need dug up? I could go hunt down your matrior8, I know you love that thing.

V: Or may8e I could navigate a lethal trap-filled la8yrinth and slay a dragon for you!

V: Seriously, just tell me what you want done. I'll go do it! It will 8e like my own personal redemption quest.

V: I'll 8ring back the treasure and lay it at your feet and then you can be all

V: Thanks Vriska With This No8le And Mighty Deed Youve Made Up For All The Terri8le Things You Did So Long Ago That No8ody Can Remem8er What Happened And Anyway They Were Pro8a8ly Totally Justified

V: Gosh This Seems Like A Nice 8ig Pile Of Treasure Lets Jump In It May8e

K: Okay

K: Im Going To Take You Up On This Actually

K: Your Quest Is As Follows

K: Feel Actual Guilt

K: For Like Once In Your Life

V: What the hell? That's idiotic.

V: Famous and sexy heroes don't feel guilt! They're too 8usy slaying monsters and taking their big piles of gold! I think something like that would 8e much 8etter.

K: Vriska

K: Im Only Going To Say This Once So Listen To It Very Carefully

K: Forgiveness Is Not A Troll Cheevo

V: Man, what are you on a8out now?

K: You Dont Earn Forgiveness Points Until Youve Enough To Complete The Level

K: You Dont Gather Tiny Shiny Pieces Of Forgiveness From Across The Land In Order To Trade Them To A Wise Old Wizard

K: Its Not A Matter Of Doing Enough Sidequests

V: I know that!

V: Do you think I don't know that? I'm not stupid!

K: I Think That For You This Isnt About Forgiveness At All

K: It Is About There Not Being Consequences To Your Actions

K: You Seem To Think That If You Are Just Cool And Awesome Enough The Results Of Your Mistakes Will Go Away

K: And Everything Will Be Back To Normal Again

K: But Not Only Do Those Concepts Not Even Mean Anything

K: Expiating Your Sins Has Never Been A Matter Of Slaying Enough Dragons And Other Things You Were Going To Do Anyway

K: I Know Youre Good At Killing Things

K: Sometimes It Seems To Me That Its The Only Thing Youre Good At

K: What I Want To Know Is

K: Are You At All Capable Of Feeling Remorse

K: Even Just A Little Bit

K: Im Pretty Sure The Answer Is No Though

V: Oh my god.

V: That was so 8oring, Maryam. Soooooooo 8oring.

V: May8e it picked up toward the end? I don't know. I was asleep, 8ecause of how 8ooooooooring it was.

V: 8ut! I am a hero, and a hero never passes up a quest, no matter how stupid and lame and 8oring and weirdly a8stract it happens to 8e.

V: So here goes.

V: Ahem.

V: I am now feeling guilt.

K: No Youre Not

V: How do you know? Can you read my mind with the psychic powers that oops wait only I have?

K: Its Blindingly Obvious

K: You Cant Just Say Youre Feeling Guilt

K: At Least Try To Be A Little Bit More Convincing

V: Fine!

V: Okay, listen. I'm serious this time.

V: I understand I've done a lot of terri8le things. I still think at least some of those things were justified........ 8ut I know that doesn't make them any less terri8le. Especially from the perspective of the people I did them to.

V: Regret doesn't come naturally to me. You know that. You've known me longer than anyone. I've always 8een kind of a 8itch and I'm pro8a8ly always going to 8e.

V: It's just my nature.

V: 8ut some of the things I did to the people I called my friends were extreme even 8y my standards. They went 8eyond the threshold of rivalry, even. What I did ruined people's lives in a way that I can never take 8ack.

V: And I just kept doing it again and again and again without stopping. Without even thinking a8out how it was affecting the people I cared a8out.

V: Not a day has gone 8y since then that I don't hate myself for what I did. That I don't wish with all my heart I could undo it.

V: 8ut I can't.

V: I can't change the past. I can't fix Tavros' legs or 8ring Aradia 8ack to life. I wish to hell I could! 8ut what's done is done.

V: And now all I can do is 8eg you to forgive me. If only so this doesn't ruin any more lives than it already has.

V: Please. Kanaya. Will you let me make amends?

K: Oh My God

K: Vriska

K: I

K: I Had No Idea

V: It wasn't easy for me to say, you know.

K: I Just Thought You Were Being A Bitch As Per Usual

K: I Didnt Know That Deep Down Inside The Way You Really Felt

K: The Way You Felt Was

K: Come Here

V: Awwwww.

V: So, we're friends again now, yeah?

K: Well

V: Only if we're friends again I want to sneak another peek at that alien girl you were fussing a8out.

V: Friends share!

K: Hang On

K: What

V: Don't give me that look! Like you aren't salivating for an excuse to feed that super creepy obsession of yours.

K: What

V: I 8et Terezi's using hers to spy on human what's his glasses. Can she even use one of these? Oh man, I hope she can't, she's going to be so jealous!

K: Oh My God

K: I Cannot

K: Believe

K: I Fell For That

V: Fell for what?

K: That Complete Line Of Bullshit You Just Fed Me

K: I Simply Cannot Believe It

V: Damn!

V: I was so sure you 8ought it!

V: I guess I'm just too awesome. It shines through even when I'm 8eing totally lame and ridiculous.

K: What The Fuck Is Wrong With You

V: From where I'm standing it's the rest of the world that's got something wrong with it! Especially you!

V: We 8oth know this isn't even a8out Tavros and Aradia!

K: Of Course Not

K: Nothing Bad Could Ever Possibly Happen As A Result Of Something You Did

K: That Would Be Ridiculous

V: Since when have you cared a8out Tavros and Aradia?

V: Did you even know them 8efore I introduced you?

K: Actually I Met Aradia Through Ruin Explorers Club

V: Not the point!

V: The point is this.

V: You're not angry 8ecause I killed and mutilated a 8unch of people! That's just a smokescreen.

V: You're angry 8ecause........

V: 8ecause........

K: Go On Then

K: What Is It

K: Im Dying To Find Out

K: Absolutely Cannot Wait To Hear It

V: 8ecause you have a crush on me!

K: ...

K: Do You Know

K: I Must Be A Complete Idiot

K: I Honestly Thought This Conversation Could Not Get Any More Awful

V: Just admit it, Maryam.

V: You're not angry because I pushed Tavros off a cliff. You're angry 8ecause I decided to work my wiles on him instead of you!

V: You hate me because I never wanted anything more than pale with you, and you know it!

K: That Was True

K: A Very Long Time Ago

K: Im Embarrassed To Admit That I Somehow Though You Would Be Capable Of Reciprocating Red Affections

K: That The Concept Of Pity Would Not Be Alien To You

K: That You Would Be Able To Show Even The Slightest Consideration For Any Troll Other Than Yourself

K: I Sure Grew Out Of That One In A Hurry

V: Like this is fooling anyone.

V: You never got over me, Maryam!

K: Go

K: Fuck

K: Yourself

V: You're still head over heels for me!

V: It would be pitiful if I felt any pity for you, which I don't!

V: You only don't want to talk to me 8ecause you're afraid of how I make you feel!

K: Do You Know Im Glad We Didnt Make It Through To The New Universe

K: Imagine Having To Put Up With This Shit For The Rest Of Eternity

K: Id Rather Die Here Thanks

V: This is all your fault!

V: Why couldn't we just be happily pale together? Why did you have to go and 8ring hearts into this?

V: I think we work pretty well, you know? I think we're a good team! But you had to go and ruin it with your fucking feelings!

K: You Knew All Along

K: I Figured That Out A While Back

K: You Always Knew Exactly How I Felt About You

K: And You Let Me Keep On Feeling It

K: The Decent Thing To Do Would Have Been To Sit Me Down And Apologetically Explain That You Didnt Feel The Same Way About Me And It Was Never Going To Happen Between Us

K: Thats What A Remotely Normal Person Would Have Done

K: But You Let Me Tag Along After You For Sweeps Making A Fool Of Myself

K: You Led Me On And Crushed My Hopes Time And Time Again

K: Because You Liked The Attention

K: You Liked Having Someone Whod Worship You

K: Whod Follow You Around And Tell You You Were Pretty Even When You Werent

K: You Never Loved Me But You Loved Having My Heartstrings Wrapped Around Your Little Finger

K: It Made You Feel Good About Yourself

K: Like You Were Important

K: And Yourself Is The Only Person You Ever Cared About

V: Fuuuuuuuuck yoooooooou!!!!!!!!

K: I Can See Right Through You Vriska Serket

V: And where were you when I was fucking killing people?

V: Where were you when I lost the plot and 8utchered three of my 8est friends in a rage spasm? Pining over your fucking Vriska scrap8ook?

V: Did you not understand what the fuck a moirail even was?

V: Or were you too 8usy waxing fucking scarlet to care? Did you think that if you did a shitty enough job as moirail I'd 8e forced to promote you?

V: The whole fucking point is that when I get too angry you have to calm me down! And you completely fucking failed! You fucked it up!

V: Their 8lood's on your fucking hands as much as mine!

K: Oh My Fucking God

K: To The Last Fucking Breath You Will Blame Everyone Except Yourself

V: It's not my fault that you are a8solutely the shittiest moirail ever!

K: Wait

K: What do You Mean “Are”

K: You Know We Broke Up Right

V: ...

V: I don't remem8er that happening.

K: Weeks Ago

K: Im Not Sure I Actually Told You About It But Only Because I Thought It Was Obvious

V: Oh yeah. That! Yeah, of course I knew all a8out that.

V: 8ig emotional deal. On your part, o8viously.

K: Please Dont Tell Me Youve Been Thinking We Were Still Together All This Time

K: The Thought Is Almost Physically Painful To Contemplate

V: Well may8e you should try fucking telling me when you're fucking 8reaking up with me!

K: Did You Not Suspect Something When I Flatly Refused To Talk To You For Two Weeks Straight

K: Did You Think Maybe I Was Working On My Scrapbook

V: I thought you were just 8eing 8roody! You know how you get.

K: Do You Even Remember The Last Time I Shooshed And/Or Papped You

K: Let Alone Did Anything Of Note In A Pile Of Any Kind

V: I just figured we were going through a rough patch?

V: May8e after the initial pale heat we were cooling off a 8it? When two moirails settle down for the long term it's normal for them to stop shooshing as much as they used to.

K: Well Let Me Spell It Out For You Face To Face

K: We Are Through

K: There Will Be No More Shooshing

K: I Am Done With You Forever

K: And Quite Frankly If We Werent Trapped Together On This Tragically Tiny Meteor I Would Be Making Every Effort To Never Have To See You Ever Again

V: Fine!

V: I'm glad!

V: You were a terrible fucking moirail and I would have 8roken up with you anyway if you hadn't got to it first! I don't ever want to see you again either!

K: Good

K: That Works Out Well For The Both Of Us

K: Bye

V: Yeah!

V: Good8ye and good riddance!

V: That's what I have to say!

V: If I ever see you again it'll 8e too soon!

V: For all I care you can go and fucking die!

K: I Cant Help But Notice That You Are Still Here

K: Therefore I Am Going To Leave

K: Goodbye

V: 8ye!

V: And fuck you too!  


V: ........

V: ........

V: ........

V: ........

V: ........

V: ........

V: ........

V: ........fuck.


End file.
